forget regret

6:48pm: So last night I was reminded of how AWESOME sayville music really is. <333 SMBA!!!!

What is so fucked up about it is that it's $750! That's substantial! UGH it's so gross. I just wanna pin those mommies inside a piano and play a concerto or some shit until their heads explode.

Whatevs. I wish my bebe didn't have to deal with them :(

Power to people who do it for themselves.

1:45am: What should I be when I grow up? hmmm..

3:42pm: getting that winter anxiety. it's just no good.

12:50am: I am so tired, but I fell asleep at Sean's house for like 45 minutes. It was lovely, only it served the function of one of Liz's little power naps that I could never master. Now I will be up for the rest of my life.

12:52am: I'm so silly. All this time thinking that my country recognized me same as everyone else even though I'm not Christian! I should have been ashamed of myself long before. A thanks goes to Tom for reminding me that I am in fact a heretic.

I wrote a whole long response. It was pretty good. Then I realized how pointless these arguments are. And how maaanny there are. It's just more of the same.

I am done with comment wars. mmGurl, you KNOW I'm a pacifist.

2:40am: I don't understand morality.
Maybe I was just raised wrong, but I really thought that an open mind, humility, and compassion were pretty up there on the value scale. It seems I was wrong.
CLOSE YOUR MIND TO OTHER CULTURES! CONTINUE ON A DESTRUCTIVE PATH RECKLESSLY! NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FAULTS OR ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES! FUCK POOR PEOPLE! SEND EM TO WAR! FUCK FOREIGN PEOPLE! NUKE EM! THEY DON'T HAVE AS MUCH MONEY OR BOMBS SO THEIR DEATHS ARE NEGLIGIBLE!

I find it all so hypocritical. Honestly, if Jesus were around, What Would he Do really?
Do you think that Martin Luther King Jr. was admirable? Cause if you were around when he was, would you have supported him? How about Gandhi? Or.. our founding fathers? Were they mainstream enough for approval?
Without people that weren't satisfied and did something about it, what kind of world would we live in?

What kind of world do you want?!

I guess.. judging by people's reluctance to care much, most people with a real say in things are pretty content. Content refusing to accept what is unfamiliar and bombing people that are different with voting booths and buying products responsible for the destruction of this earth and the degradation of its people and ignoring the fact that they didn't earn this privileged life. YOU DIDN'T EARN IT. YOU ARE LUCKY. You have not worked harder than most people our age. You have not suffered as much. You have more and eat more and throw more things in the garbage and have so many more opportunities. And you don't want to give back. You never feel the urge inside of you to step back and look at how much pain there is around you and want to make it go away. Because then you would be a pussy. You would be a bleeding heart.

I don't think it's a shameful sentiment to consider yourself a citizen of the world. We are all human beings. And it scares me that people can become so far removed from that fact- so proudly removed from that fact. Why are three thousand of us more important than one hundred thousand of them? Ohhh! Because we're justified!

I hate that I feel hopeless, but I know that it's only going to get worse. Most people have no inclination to help others if they aren't effected directly. I realize that. No matter how politically naive I am, you can't dispute that.

11:14pm: wow. what an awful week.

"If you go into the world aimless, without a definite object, dreaming- dreaming, you will be defeated, knocked this way and that. In the end you will stand with your beautiful life all spent, and nothing to show."

"And what if we could help mankind, and leave the traces of our work upon it to the end? Mankind is only an ephemeral blossom on the tree of time; there were others before it opened; there will be others after it has fallen. Where was man in the time of the dicynodont, and when the hoary monsters wallowed in the mud? Will he be found in the eons that are to come? We are sparks, we are shadows, we are pollen, which the next wind will carry away. We are dying already; it is all a dream.

I know that thought. When the fever of living is on us, when the desire to become, to know, to do, is driving us mad, we can use it as an anodyne, to still the fever and cool our beating pulses. But it is a poison, not a food. If we live on it it will turn our blood to ice; we might as well be dead."

2:58am: ...
I am so sorry.




They were so in love.. I remember loving that he sent her presents and being in Maryland when he surprised her by decorating her bedroom with rose petals and love notes while she was at work.. and noticing the paper flowers on her dresser from him. Even when they had only just started dating, he displayed his affection unashamedly in front of people he barely knew. He just knew right away, I guess, that Gin was the one. And apparently there wasn't time to waste..

I hope that he knows that he became a part of the family. Another cousin. Entering the Lee household after Soona brought home Michael was a challenge, and Maurice truly lived up to it- he won all of us over.

I've read all the inspirational quotes, and that we'll all meet again. And I've read that there's a plan, and to have faith.. but I can't help it. Things like this just seem so unnecessarily painful.
...

[r.i.p. Maurice Tom]
 July 18, 1982- December 28, 2004
..too soon.

1:25am: GoZdE09: that's what I miss the most
GoZdE09: my BASHA and the CHRISTMAS ROOM
rosieqmoon: awww!
rosieqmoon: i miss you and your basha and the christmas room too hahah
GoZdE09: :-)
GoZdE09: yea
GoZdE09: once we are back
GoZdE09: we will be drinking turkish tea
GoZdE09: and I will be telling my drunken turkish bar stories and nick will knock at eleven thirty pm in his boxers with his electronic toothbrush in his hands and will be like:oh yeah I remember that night, blah, blah :-)
GoZdE09: and then darif will join
GoZdE09: danny would come in his perfect look, even that late at night, and he will
GoZdE09: be telling us
GoZdE09: how scary it was to almost have gone to a geography of catastrophy:-)
rosieqmoon: <333 tewks hahah
GoZdE09: :-)
GoZdE09: yep

aww!

being home is pretty great [especially spending time with my bebe], but i am relieved to say that i miss school too.

8:55pm: Ok 2 minutes for an update..

I have been so busy.
It was so good to see Taryn!! And to reestablish the girls' dynamic.. incessantly teasing Chelsea about gin and tonic and her anus coat, shooting down Justine every time she said something extremely dorky, making lesbian jokes with Taryn to Dave. Good times.
Today I handed in the essay from Hell for which everything possible went wrong.
I finished 3 of my most successful drawings today for homework.. more figure drawing in class <3 <3 grrr.. It's making it hard for me to consider a schedule next year without some visual arts course. >_<
I am going to go for a run after Sean calls and then again tomorrow morning because I am starting to disgust myself.
I need to memorize my lines for my scene for tomorrow in which I am a coked out spaz.
Not only do I have 0 dollars... I also don't have my credit card because I left my wallet in Justine's bag. I also don't have my school ID to use my "Bard Bucks" at the cafe. Woe is me and my poor sorry butt.
Thanksgiving in a week!
Geniveve cleaned the bathtub shower in the Tewks bathroom and the little alcove in there and decorated it! It is unbelievably nice.. It's like a home shower!!!!
Inspired, I think I'm going to set aside Friday or Saturday day to clean (as best I can...) the kitchen and bake pie. It will have to include a shuttle ride to pick up my fucking wallet though.
I miss Sean I miss Sean I miss Sean and it's very distracting.
Ok I am about 31 pages behind in Robinson Crusoe with 45 more and ANOTHER paper due Thursday.. so I'm out.

11:11am:

I'm not necessarily surprised.. more.. terrified.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

I'm too upset to spill my political guts right now.. but this is something I found interesting.  The "religious right" never fails to horrify me.

( Pro-Life? )

10:10pm:

 

( My boyfriend is one sexy thang )

 

..and he came to see me this weekend <3

7:32pm: What?? A positive entry??

This Saturday I saw Sean. That sucked. I can't stand him anymore.

Hah.. just playin. I hope you had a heart attack, you stalker.

ANYWAY! It was really amazing to see him.. maybe next time we can manage to plan around my womanly inconviniences. That would be cool. hahahh But yeah I was pretty bummed to say goodbye. It was like.. attractive boyfriend that loves you OR school that consumes your soul and makes you read horrible philosophy and write meaningless analytical essays.

Soccer is going a whole lot better.. it's cool to be a high scorer.. I've never really scored goals before. Don't get me wrong, games are still as frustrating as anything, but I've bonded with the freshmen over it at least ^_~ and everyone's really nice... yeah. talk to me after my game on thursday and it could be an entirely different story. All I know is that my center midfielder is the coolest person I have ever met. We bond over boys, underwear shopping, and our team's.. level of play. And she's a complete crackhead. It's pretty sick.

And I was stressing out about school.. but I actually had a good day! on a Tuesday! that is the worst day! I got an A- on my first seminar paper which was extremely surprising.. but I handed in the worst paper I have ever written today so I'm sure my enthusiasm for that class will diminish as quickly as it came about. We get to draw whatever we want for our drawing homework.. so drawing my lawn gnome.

Uhmmm I'm going to go for a run in the raaaiiin because that's the best thing ever. Then I am going to shower. Then I am going back to the AYA concert to man my fair trade petition table.

How do I make my journal friends only?

We wear white shorts for soccer on thursday.. leopard print thong. oh yes. hahahahh

3:38pm: Oh man oh man why does my calculus teacher rule so much?

"And now one that we haven't done, but it's very cute. Well.. I guess you might not agree with that, but tell me if you do. It's really nifty. I wish I had thought of this. But anyway.."

"You guys don't seem sufficiently thrilled with this trick."

ETHAN <3333333 DORKS <3333333

good news: I am eating a chocolate cookie that is tasty. Also, Peter's going to come visit for my birthday ^_^

bad news: I am eating a lot. I am going to get le FAT when socer season ends. Also, it's my mom's birthday tomorrow and I didn't get her anything.

I have to write a paper and go to practice and go to rehearsal. It makes me sad when I have no time to sleep.

12:41am: I am angry and overtired.

2:32pm: "Calculus is the basis for the modern world, and the fundamental theorem of calculus is the basis for calculus. So.. everything you know, EVERYTHING you know probably hinges on the fundamental theorem of calculus. Now that might be a slight exaggeration.. [long, dramatic pause] but maybe not."

4:03pm: My calculus class started at 1:30.
I apparently fell asleep.
And woke up attttt 1:47! yay! 20 minutes late to the second class. I AM SO GOOD AT LIFE.

In other news I bought leopard print underwear. In the spirit of Alex. hahahh

teachers are good school is good classes are good people are good i am bad
go dog go
is a really good book.
"do you like my hat?
no i do not like your hat.
goodbye.
goodbye."

awww Hanah starts high school on Thursday! Y'all better keep an eye on her. Except for you, Tom. You avert your eye, sicko.

9:08am: The book I have to read for thursday was the one that has the story of the 'origin of love' from Hedwig in it! Exciting.

But also depresssing.


"And so, when a person meets the other half that is his very own, then something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don't want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment."
-Plato, Symposium

10:45am: woah. I freaked out. sorry.
I was just pmsing like a mother. which made me even more cranky. because I don't want to be being a girl as I am going to see Sean tomorrow. and then. colin had a beer pong party outside of my room. which is cool. but the loud music making my wall vibrate when I had soccer this morning at 7 was not. and spilling beer on my soccer stuff also was not. come now it was thursday night and most people had class at 9 the next morning. it couldn't wait one night? so yeah I was crampy, cranky, and exhausted.. I didn't mean it.
and that's the story of why Rose became super bitch. unending apologies.

L&T is OVER.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
From my evaluation sheet:
Q: How would you describe the L&T workshop to a friend attending a university without this kind of program?
A: Honestly I thought it was unnecessary. I have described L&T to friends attending schools that don't require L&T (like pretty much ANY SCHOOL I HAVE EVER HEARD OF) I told them it sucked. I think that one or two weeks would have served your malicious purposes sufficiently. Sorry.

Annnnd the women's gold medal match was amazing. Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain and them are all retiring. It's so strange. They're amazing. And they make me want to be good at soccer. and have a good team.

3:40pm: I had the most pathetic morning ever.
Really. It was like out of one of those teen movies with some catchy pop tune like "la la la too bad I suck la la" playing in the background.
I woke up at 7 o'clock, got to practice by 7:15. Unfortunately, practice starts at 7?? wtf? so yeah everyone's thinking, "There's the girl that missed practice yesterday and now she's late!" All thinking I'm a slacker and stuff. Which I am.. but never with sports. I have never milked an injury or opted out of running or anything like that. But it ended up alright.. I asked Jason if I could run after practice was over to make up for it.. so I had to do the infamous ONE mile under 7 and a half minutes... ::hangs head::
After this I am exhausted as I didn't get to sleep well last night as I foolishly had a really hard conversation with Sean. So I didn't even shower.. I put down a towel and went to sleep on my bed. Gross, no? Woke up, took a shower, went to school, was the last one in, got disapproving glances. whatevs.
I scarfed down lunch to give myself an hour to nap. Which I did. And woke up a little late. Running late again. So I'm half jogging, half walking to class, looking like a one legged school girl trying desperately to skip, when I get smuh-ACKED full force in the face with a ridiculous spider web. Reasonably, I spaz out. Located the spider.. IN MY HAIR. Reasonably, I spaz out. So I arrive to class, again the last one, sweaty, spidery, and exhausted, undoubtedly looking like some sort of swampish she-monster, only to be told that we can come back at the time of our conference. We were supposed to go to the library or some shit... so I came a took a half hour nap. I woke up (on time!) really thirsty, but too lazy to fill the brita and too sick of being poisoned by tap water. So I attempt to buy a bottle of water frm the vending machine. negative. They don't have any. Or any uncarbonated beverage. But soda's no good for you. BUT THE MACHINE ATE MY FUCKING MONEY. So I give in and buy a diet coke because I was soooo thirsty. I open it and it explodes, covering the front of my skirt. I hate life and consider throwing it out. Decided I had been through too much to give up on hydration.

But as usual it all worked out in the end because Dawn loved my essay. I was surprised because she is really critical and so yeah that was a relief.

And I'm about to be late to soccer again so bye.

1:18pm: .

Bad:
No sleep.
Throwing up. Especially since I haven't in years.
Johnny. I feel ironically, disgustingly.. not responsible.. but awful. like I'm in a John Irving novel or something. I keep hearing Mr. Buderman in my head. No joke. What a psycho.
My soccer coach telling me today that there was practice Sunday night that he insists he told me about but never did.
Missing soccer this morning. Ah well.. I just have to kick ass tonight and all will be good. hah. right.
Stepping in vomit at Jimmy's yesterday. Come now. Control yourself at least to the point where you can make it to a bush.

Good:
My essay. (surprisingly)
Surprise visits.
Sean.
Soccer at 4:30.
Car rides with friends. I just really enjoy them.

I feel 100xs better than I did earlier. I finished my essay painlessly in the end! After hours and hours of whining. You know how I do. Annnd yeah I'm drawing a picture for Jake so I'm out.

Good visit though. It was nice to just.. leave.. it reminded me that I really can have fun. I still haven't really found a niche or been able to be myself here. But soccer is starting so we'll see. Or if I am really just that antisocial, JUSTINE IS GOING TO BE AT VASSAR STARTING TODAY. mwahah.

Oh and despite my social ineptitude, I really really really like my school. I can't imagine any place better for me.

This is very rambl..y..ish. bye.

9:17pm: The film I was required to see for class turned out to be really good. It opens in New York in October and you should go see it. "Brother to Brother". It's about homosexuality in the black community specifically in Harlem and the Harmlem Rennaissance. It really got me thinking about how specific issues of cultural identity get. And how overlooked some are.

My friends Christine and Simon from my L&T class and I are going to ask Dawn (my teacher) to go get sushi one of the nights this week <3 even though she knows I called her scary..

Uhm.. I played soccer today which felt awful at first.. I cramped up like anything.. but after running through it, it was all good. I even scored a goal! anndd I was the only girl there. Felt bad that I'm out of shape.. giving female athletes a bad rep.

Annd.. I am eating an amazing fruit and yogurt parfait. So I am in high spirits.

I miss Sean.

Time to do homework.

11:16am: oh yeah i forgot
As promised:

Dear Sean,

You are a stalker. Stop reading my journal.. I want to write about my exploits with Chad, Brad, and every other guy on campus. Also, you are a butt head.

I Love you!
From,
Rose

10:52am: ( this )

My professor heard me say she was scary. The more things change the more they stay the same. Am I doomed to repeat my failure at teacher-student relations for ALL ETERNITY?!
I have a one on one conference with her in 45 minutes. siiiick. SO looking foward to that.

11:15pm: i am already tired of reading vague conceptual works. and being forced to write vague conceptual responses to them. its all bullshitting. every argument and discussion in class just makes me feel juvenile because no one is as profound as they are encouraged to make themselves sound.
i have become completely disconnected from my writing and i despise it.

and if anyone else starts talking to me about l&t making them regret their decision to come to bard im going to yell in their ear. because i miss sean too much.

one of the assignments i did like. it was actually poetry hahah. ill post it when i have time.
back to work.